I'm Holding On (Until You Let Me Go)
by Selena Marie Weasley
Summary: An added scene to 2x20 Rupture. After Iris' confession Iris and Barry have a talk before the disaster that is the second particle accelerator.


She stands by herself in the breach room glaring at that damn machine. The one that is supposedly going to give him back his powers. _If it doesn't kill him first,_ she thinks bitterly. Or anyone else in the city. The others are in the lab right now talking through the plan and she just couldn't stand it any longer, she couldn't listen to Wells talk about it so simply, how they are going to recreate the explosion that left him in a coma for nine months. That left her without her best friend for nine months.

She can't lose him again. She doesn't know what she would do.

Just hours ago they were in this same room and she's in the same spot he had been when she had gone to check on him. She hadn't necessarily planned on telling him how she felt. She just wanted to support him, but then he had been worried about her and the words had been spilling from her lips. It wasn't easy putting herself out there, being vulnerable like that even in front of Barry, but at the same time it felt so damn good to finally tell him what she had been thinking about for months really. And she doesn't think she'll ever forget that stupid yet adorable disbelieving grin on his face. Then she had walked away. She's still not quite sure why she did. Maybe she didn't want to influence his decision, but really she thinks it's because she was scared, which is ridiculous, but it was so much putting her heart on the line like that she didn't think she could handle rejection.

Behind her she hears footsteps and she knows it's him. Now the roles have reversed, now he's checking on her. But she doesn't make it easy, she doesn't turn and even when he's standing next to her she keeps her eyes facing forward. His arm brushes against hers in silent comfort and it takes all she has not to lean into him but she's also fighting the urge to take a step farther away from him because it's just too much, _he's_ too much.

There are so many things she wants to say right now. She wants to scream at him not to do it for her own selfish reasons, wants to tell him it's too dangerous. Instead she keeps it to herself for the moment.

He gently bumps his elbow against her arm to get her attention. "Iris."

"What?" she snaps.

He moves to stand in front of her and she refuses to look at him stubbornly staring just off to the side. She knows that if she looks at him she'll lose it and right now she's doing a decent job of holding it together, but just barely. And if she sees the concern in his eyes it will push her over the edge and she really doesn't want to fall apart right now.

He lets out a huff that's not quite frustration, but maybe exasperation and if this weren't so serious she'd be a little proud of herself and amused. She feels his hand on her arm and she takes a step back and finally looks up at him seeing the slightest bit of surprise on his face that she's putting distance between them.

"How on earth can you think this is a good idea?" her voice is raised but it's more out of fear than anger at this point. "You're going to get yourself killed. And fuck, Barry, I can't-I can't watch you do it. I can't watch you get yourself killed or end up in another coma. I don't think I could handle that again." She stops and looks at him tears blurring her vision and threatening to break free. "There has to be another way. Another way to get your speed back. Because I-if something happens to you then what am I-"

She breaks off her hand coming up to cover her mouth to hold in the sobs making their way up her throat. Thankfully he doesn't make a move to touch her even though he steps a little closer but is still far enough away that she's able to calm herself down. Closing her eyes she counts to ten and takes some deep breaths.

When she opens her eyes her vision is much clearer and she thinks she can hold on just a little bit longer. When she meets his eyes, bright and green, her breath catches in her throat. It's the way he's looking at her. Looking at her like he can see right through, like he knows her every thought, every thing she's feeling right now, like he would do anything to stop her from hurting. And she wants northing more than to close the gap between them and let him hold her, but she's afraid.

"Iris," he says again in a gentle tone. "There is a little boy who just lost his father and now he has to grow up without one. And it's because I don't have my speed, I could have stopped Zoom tonight from murdering all those cops, but I couldn't. I need my speed back it's the only way. I can't let anyone else grow up without one of their parents because of that monster. I just can't."

She wants to reach for him to comfort him now because of course he's blaming himself for this. And she knows how this hits close to home for him. She hates herself for trying to get him to change his mind, because this is Barry and he is a hero.

"Okay," she whispers her voice shaky.

She won't try and stop him from going through with this. She won't argue. It doesn't mean she likes it, she sure as hell doesn't. But she understands that this is the only way, the only option right now and he's desperate to stop Zoom.

This time when he reaches for her she goes willingly into the circle of his arms and presses herself as close as she possibly can clutching at his shirt in her fists as his arms come around her. His hold on her his secure and his fingers are in her hair and she wishes she could get even close to him because this isn't enough. But for a moment she feels safe. Feels like nothing can hurt her right now.

"It's going to be okay," he reassures. "Everything is going to be okay, I promise, nothing is-"

"Don't," she cuts off tearfully lifting her head up. "Don't say that, don't make promises you can't keep. You don't know that. Something could-please, Barry-" her voice breaks on his name and she doesn't fight the tears this time.

"Okay, okay," he says in that low soft voice that he only ever seems to use around her. He guides her head back to his chest and his other hand rubs her back and she wonders how he can be so calm right now, but then she realizes that he's doing it for her. He's hiding his fear and comforting her, making sure she's all right.

They stay like that for a while, holding each other in silence. The only sounds are their breathing and her quite sobs as her tears soak his shirt. Her fingers are still gripping his shirt like she's holding on for dear life, and it's so tight it hurts, but it's a hurt that feels good right now, it reminds her that he's here. And then he kisses her hair and is pulling back and she wants stop him and bring him back but she doesn't.

"What you said earlier," he says and she knows immediately he's talking about her confession. "You never let me say anything."

She flushes. "Oh I-I was-"

"I know," he interrupts with a small smile and he brings his hand up so his fingers can trail along her cheek. "I know you were scared. And I'm sorry I let you walk away. But what I wanted to say is that I want to see if I have a future with you too, Iris."

"Barry," she whispers and this time the tears in her eyes are happy ones.

He gives her a sad smile. "I don't know what's going to happen to me but I just needed you to know-"

She can't listen to this. She doesn't want to. She can't think about the possibility of him leaving her, not when they both have finally reached the space where they are ready to give this thing between them a try. She shakes her head and lets go of his shirt so that she can raise her own hands to his face.

"Barry Allen shut up and kiss me."

She manages a small smile at his surprise but he nods. He leans in but she senses his hesitation so she gives him a slight nod giving him all the encouragement he needs to close the remaining distance. It's a light brush of his lips against hers and then he presses his mouth a little more firmly against hers, lingering, but it doesn't go any deeper than that.

He pulls back resting his forehead against hers. She closes her eyes and tries to hold on to the feeling of his lips against her and tells herself this isn't goodbye. He's not going anywhere, they are going to be able to that again and again as many times as they want.

"We should head back," he suggests breaking the moment.

"Yeah."

But they don't move. She wishes they didn't have to. Wishes they could stay here forever. But they can't. So when she presses a hard kiss to her forehead that causes her bottom lip to tremble with emotion she knows it's time to get back to reality.

 _It's going to be okay._ She tries to tell herself she just hopes she's right.


End file.
